Dear Sir or Madam,
For many years I have been trying to feed my cats on a diet solely consisting of science. While I had some brief success utilising herpetology specimens, no other science from geology to astronomy sated them. Eventually their piteous mewling sapped my fortitude and I supplemented their diet with food.
Imagine my delight when I discovered your Science Diet. My cats have gone from total disinterest in science to devouring it greedily. I tip my hat to this remarkable breakthrough.
I am greatly interested in your Hairball Control Science Diet. I hope you can answer some of these questions about its efficacy.
- What is the heaviest hairball I can expect my cats to lift?
- Will my cats be able to control the hairballs of other cats?
- Can wigs and toupees be considered hairballs?
- Does the hairball control effect diminish with distance?
- Does the cat need to know the location and/or existence of the hairball, in order to control it?
- Is there a limit on the number of hairballs my cats can control simultaneously, other than the total number of hairballs in the world?
- If a man were to ingest the Science Diet, would he gain the power of hairball control?
Your benevolent overlord, Craig Timpany